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Thoughts on Motherhood
I just can't relate. I'm used to that, of course. All my life my ideas, tastes and experiences have seemed to run slightly different to that of the "norm". But never have I felt this difference more keenly than when I became a mom.
It started when I was pregnant. Women would look at me knowingly and inquire about how I was dealing with it, how I felt. They would tell horror stories of morning sickness, sleepless nights and swollen ankles. I, on the other hand felt wonderful! Better than ever, in fact. I loved being pregnant so much that I couldn't understand why women didn't want to have babies all the time.
Then, when my little bundle finally arrived, I was in bliss. So, this is the Big Secret. The Meaning of Life. I was in love in a way I'd never been in love before. I adored every single thing about him. It was sublime.
Now it was as if I had inadvertantly joined some sort of club. Perfect strangers, after congratulating me, would again look at me knowingly and launch into horror stories about sleepless nights, colic, and having to give up life as you know it. Again, I couldn't relate. My baby slept ten hours a night and hardly ever cried. He smiled and laughed all the time. We took him everywhere with us, did everything we'd always done. Our lives hadn't changed except for the better. Life was, in fact, richer and happier than ever before. Far from feeling as if I'd dropped out of life as I'd known it, I felt like I'd graduated to a new level. People past a certain age who didn't have children looked somehow incomplete to me, as if they hadn't matured, or were lacking something essential.
It's funny how people think of kids. Last week, my little boy and I were playing in the Wild Things playspace at the Metreon center. We were having an enormous amount of fun, and his favorite part was a game where you have to hit these little goblins with a mallet when they pop their heads up. Another family came up and started playing, too, the adults going at it even more enthusiastically than their kids. It seemed really nice until mom said, "Take that, for whining all day!". Then, the dad said "If they really wanted to make money off the adults, they'd make these things look like our kids." To which mom replied "yeah" as she let another goblin have it.
Now, I know they were just kidding. Sort of. But when they looked back at me to gain my approval or agreement, to bond with me as another parent, I just couldn't relate. I don't even think or say those things in jest. I think it's horrible, frankly. And stupid.
I often wonder what "grownups" think children are. To be fair, there are wonderful parents out there too. But it does seem that the vast majority of people think of kids as something "other", and of what they do as a calculated ploy to irritate them as much as possible. People who don't have children themselves seem to have the attitude that those who do have somehow "given in". And it seems ironic that during our new baby boom here in the Bay Area there are so many people that not only believe that, as the obnoxious old saying goes, "children are meant to be seen and not heard" but in fact would prefer them not to be seen, either! I don't know how many times I've gone out to restaurants, movies and the like and gotten not-so-friendly looks from the other people present. There is even a big movie theater downtown that openly discourages parents bringing their small children-- cleverly worded of course, so as not to get themselves into trouble. But set alongside a sign that says "Silence is Golden", so that no one fails to get the intended message.
I have always thought of children as little adults and have given them respect accordingly. They are certainly far wiser, more intelligent and sensitive than most adults I know. Spend any time with them at all and you will come to realize that it is not us that teach them the important things in life, but vice versa. We are just here to keep them clothed and fed. We learn the big lessons from them. Joy in the little things. That each new day is amazing and beautiful and full of grand adventure. They teach us selflessness and unconditional love. Sheer joy in just being alive.
My son is my religion. When I look into his bright laughing eyes, I can't imagine what I ever did that was of any real importance before he came along. He gives me a joy that is indescribable.
Maybe it's because in this instance I can relate. I haven't forgotten what it's like to be a child. I remember being 15, being 5, being 3. I pity those who have forgotten, but I've learned not to care what they think when I take my baby out to that Italian restaurant in North Beach, or to catch a movie on a Friday night. I remember that children are vastly curious. After all, they haven't experienced anything yet. It's all new. They have lots of energy, and need some way to use it all up. They are eager to learn, eagear to do things. And, if you let them, it's amazing what they are capable of. People really sell kids short.
It's simple. You can't expect your kid to know how to behave public if you never take them out anywhere. We've been taking Avo everywhere with us since he was born. When he was three days old, we went to Gaspare's for a celebratory Italian dinner. His first movie was "Yellow Submarine" at the Castro Theater. He was two and a half weeks old. When he was a month old, we went to see Karma Moffett perform his Tibetan Bell Ceremony. At six weeks, we were on a train across the country to visit his grandparents in New Orleans. At two months, he saw his first concert (with earplugs, of course!) when we went to Berkley to see Chris Cornell. He goes out to eat with us, goes to friend's houses, all the time. We never leave him at home. Our rule is, if he's not included, we don't go. Like the Three Muskateers, it's all for one and one for all!
Maybe it's not the kids that are the problem, but the adults. Perhaps if we gave children more understanding and respect, they would learn those traits themselves. While I believe that each child comes into the world with his own unique personality and soul, let us not forget that we are the role models and we help to shape them. There is an old saying that it takes a whole tribe to raise a child. We should keep that in mind, and realize that when you send the message that children are unwanted and incapable of doing things, you are doing real damage to their self-esteem and emotional well-being. If we don't take the time to raise our children with the love and care they deserve, if we don't allow them to participate in life as it really is, we not only hurt them but ourselves as well. All kids want is a little understanding and love--to be included in what's going on, to be treated like human beings. That should be something we all can relate to.
